Yesterday's post Jesus Who was so full of awesome and win, I decided to give it another go:

Jesus was a demon: I have talked to jesus. I was baptised catholic. Spoke with the angels in the cathedrals, they taught me how to pray. Then I found out jesus was a demon. He's a very big one, a warden in the prison that contains the demons. And if you want the life of comfort, then bow down to him, worship him and swear to abort and exclude other demons, and he will give you pleasure and comfort. But stand up and fight him, and he fights just like a demon.

Jesus never existed: For most of my life, I had taken it for granted that Jesus, although certainly not a god, was nevertheless an historical personage - perhaps a magician skilled in hypnosis. To be sure, I knew that some of the world's greatest scholars had denied his existence. Nevertheless, I had always more or less supposed that it was improbable that so many stories could have sprung up about someone who had never existed.

Jesus died of a blood clot: An Israeli researcher has challenged the popular belief that Jesus died of blood loss on the cross, saying he probably succumbed to a sometimes fatal disorder now associated with long-haul air travel.

Professor Benjamin Brenner wrote in The Journal of Thrombosis and Haemostasis that Jesus's death, traditionally believed to have occurred 3-6 hours after crucifixion began, was probably caused by a blood clot that reached his lungs.

Jesus wants to eat your soul: Does God love you? Of course not.

God hates you; but God is hungry and needs you to help Him eat your soul. He chuckles to himself that He cannot only suck out your life and being, but He can make you believe the lie as well. 

 The remaining items are a list of messianic theories collected a few years ago by a poster on the Randi.org forums by the name of Dr Adequate (clicky):

Jesus hates fags and environmentalists, votes Republican: So how would Jesus vote? I believe that Jesus would have issues with some of the liberal stances. I don't think Jesus would under any circumstances tell any woman, "It's OK to have an abortion this time." I don't think Jesus would agree with homosexuals having any rights simply due to the fact that they choose to be homosexual. Lastly, I'm pretty sure Jesus would want prayer in school, and His commandments in every courtroom.

So to answer your question, I believe Jesus would vote Republican. And I believe His response to your global warming fear would be, "Don't worry, I am in control and I don't need to rely on you to 'save the planet.'"

Jesus supports public prayer, whatever he may have said in the gospels to the contrary (dead link):  I am sure Jesus would vote Republican because he would is against abortion, supporting people who refused to support themselves, he is into investing wisely, public prayer, and standing up for the 10 commandments.

Jesus is against public healthcare because it's a blasphemous interference with god's plan. Private health care isn't, for some reason (dead link):  Jesus did not come to earth to offer free medical care. He used healing as a way to prove His Godliness to those He wanted to so that people would be drawn to Him as Lord and Savoir. He also fed the hungry for the same reason... As to health care entitlement, where do you see that in the Bible? It is not there. The Bible is full of stories of suffering and death, as the natural consequence of our sinfullness. If along the way you are able to ease your suffering or cure your illness due to God's gift of medicine to our world, that is fine, but no where does the Bible state that it is available to all nor that life should be extended beyond God's planned timing, because of our lack of faith in the gifts of heaven that await us after we leave this earth.

Jesus likes small government : Jesus was all about 'less' government (Church) in man's life...That's not very 'democrat', is it?

Jesus supports a flat rate income tax, hates "demon scum rats": Would Jesus steal? Ask others to covet what "the rich" have? Would he condone murder of innocent children in partial birth abominations? Would he put up government as a god to be worshipped? How many of the 10 commandments can a democrat break before rolling out of bed?

Governments are supposed to be subject to God. Blessed is the nation whose god is the Lord. The king is supposed to hand write a personal copy fo the Bible for his his personal use - to keep it fresh in his mind. . He is not supposed to screw around with every intern and rape women. He is not supposed... ok enough already... The govt is supposed to get by on a flat 20%.... but don't let facts or truth get in the way of these demon scum rats.

That's everything I can find on Jesus. I am still looking for:

Jesus was from Michigan

Jesus was a Jiffy Lube employee

Jesus was a Klingon (although this is close)

Jesus was a bitch (a lover, a child, a mother, a sinner, a saint...)

Jesus was an embryo