And it begins...
Every so often when you're searching for a new job, you find one or two companies that seem a little shady. You know if you submit an application, you're going to get an interview; and if you get an interview, you're going to get hired; and if you get hired, you're going to kill yourself in 3 months.
Most of us know what kind of red flags to look for when a job will really truly suck. I was not so informed.
When I was making the move from stocking shelves to professional programming, I started searching for entry-level programming positions. I happened across an ad for a small startup saying something along the lines of: "URGENT HELP NEEDED! Looking for 2 VB.Net Programmers With SQL Server Experience. ALL LEVELS OF EXPERIENCE CONSIDERED!!!!!"
Now, one of the red flags in any help wanted ad is the word "URGENT" in all caps. Another one is where the ratio of exclamation points to sentences exceeds a threshold of 1.75:1. But still, I decided I'd learn what this company was all about if it needed programmers so urgently; apparently they write ASP.Net content-management software used all over the world. Sounds fun, right? I applied at this job, and was asked to come into an interview a week later. I figure I have a shot because I have 7 years of prior web development of experience, used SQL Server 2000 and 2005 for the better part of 4 years, and have been working with VB.Net since 2003; I think I have the technical skill to fill an "ANY LEVEL OF EXPERIENCE CONSIDERED" position.
The Interviewees from Lala Land
When I get to the building, I'm directed to a waiting room. There are two other guys there who have applied for the same position. One of the guys is a grizzled, older-type fella; the other was a young guy, early 20s, and very sharply dressed -- wearing what appeared to be a tuxedo, actually.
I really hate sitting in quiet rooms with other people, so I make small talk with these guys. I ask the older guy about his programming experience, and he makes a comment that he last worked on an old COBOL system sometime in 1987; afterward, he was a mechanic, but was laid off; and presently he works in a factory assembly line screwing plastic caps on bottles of shampoo. Sweet mother of Christ, what a sad story. What kind of mistakes in your life do you have to make to slide from software developer, to mechanic, to screwing caps on bottles for a living? One thing's for sure: this guy is no threat to me; he has no relevant work experience.
Tuxedo guy introduces himself as a college student at one of the nearby universities, and I make a comment that he is remarkably well-spoken for a college student. He replies that he was a national champion in a public speaking / forensics competition (it certainly shows). I start talking to him about programming, and then I notice he's looking at me with the most idiotic dog-faced expression I've ever seen in my life. I decided to test Tuxedo guys technical knowledge:
Do you at least know SQL?
"Nope."
Are you familiar with object oriented programming? For example, do you know what a class is?
"Nope."
Have you ever heard of the word 'boolean'? Do you know what variables are?
"I think so, its kinda like Java, right?"
Fuck me sideways! Somehow I managed to keep myself from falling on the floor laughing. Tuxedo guy was beyond clueless. Utterly, appallingly braindead.
The interview gods were clearly smiling upon me: on the one hand, I have Shampoo Lid whose 20-year outdated expertise is overshadowed by his career as a professional screw capper, and Tuxedo guy who can't tell the difference between a fast fourier transformation and a bifunctor catamorphism on a monoidal category.
The Interview
After a few minutes of chit-chat, I man asks all three of us in the waiting room to join him in an office for the group interview.
Group interview? I've heard of these things. These are the kinds of interviews where an interviewer asks a question like "why are you better than the guy to the left of you" and you have to try topping the answers of everyone around you. I've NEVER heard of anything good coming out of these interviews, and I consider them to be deeply unprofessional. Normally, I would just say "sorry, I'm not going to play any games during this interview" and walk out, but given my opponents Shampoo Lid and Tuxedo guy, I figured there's no point passing up an interview that I will definitely "win".
In the interviewing room, there are two other interviewers. Apparently, all three of us were going to interviewed by these three judges. Weird. I've never seen or heard of this before.
Everyone sits down and the judges ask Shampoo Lid the basic interview questions: "where do you see yourself in 5 years", "what can you contribute to the company", "why did you leave your last job", etc. Altogether, this question/answer session lasts about 10 minutes. It was a very mundane, even boring interview.
I'm next. The judges pull out a copy of my resume. They make a comment that some parts of it were not very clear --- and to a certain extent, they were right. I'd never written a resume or applied for a technical position before, so it was probably not the best resume ever written. They ask me an odd question: "what do you mean when you say you have experience writing software for end-users". The judges basically read a sentence from my resume and asked to explain it... I'm not really sure what they need explaining, it says I have experience writing end-user software, what else can I say? The judges prod me for an answer, so I explain to them that there is all different kinds of software, such as end-user software, middleware, system software, and all of these different tiers of software require different skills to pull off effectively. Applications like Notepad vs SQL Server vs ethernet drivers vs system kernal represent software in each different tier, and my specialization is writing applications that your average computer user interacts with on an everyday basis. I thought I gave a decent answer, at least one that shows off my technical knowlege.
The judges precede to the next sentence in my resume and ask me to explain it. And then they asked me to explain the next sentence. And the next one. They read my resume out loud word for word and asked me to explain every sentence. Seriously, they asked me "what does 'O'-'O'-'P' mean here?" It was pathetic. My "interview", consisting of the judges regurgitating every line of my resume back at me, lasted 6 minutes. 7 tops. It was embarrassing and pathetic.
The judges talk to Tuxedo guy last. They start by commenting on how well he was dressed, and Tuxedo guy makes a comment about wearing the same outfit that he wore when he won his speech competition. He goes off on a tangent about how, after he won, he earned a scholarship to help pay for a missionary trip to Africa. He talks about how he's known his girlfriend since elementary school, how much he likes bathing dogs, and just all sorts of irrelevant anecdotes. Not a single moment of his 40 minute interview did he say anything about writing code.
After everyone interview, the judges leave the room for a few minutes. They come back and thank Shampoo Lid and I for our time; however, they say to Tuxedo Guy, "we think you'll fit in really well here, and we'd like to make you an offer". I was absolutely furious, I swear to god I was ready to start cracking skulls and breaking bodies. The interview was an embarrassing, mocking waste of my time.
Job Hunting Again
Back to the job search. I noticed the ad at the software company I interviewed for that day had been updated to say "Looking for 1 VB.Net Programmers With SQL Server Experience". Eventually, the ad disappeared altogether.
It took about a month, but I was fortunate enough to apply for a different job and get an interview, which went extremely well. This interview was extremely technical in nature, consisting of questions like "heres a database schema, now write a query to get this set of data", instead of bullshit throwaway questions like "where do you see yourself in 5 years". I nailed the interview and got the job.
Now, I normally heed the advice, "as soon as you find a job, start looking for a new one" just a safety net; I don't plan on getting fired from my jobs, but it helps to know who's hiring and whats in demand just in case.
So, as I'm paging through job listings, I come across a help eerily familiar help wanted ad from the same small startup company who royally fucked up interview 4 weeks prior: "URGENT HELP NEEDED! Looking for 2 VB.Net Programmers With SQL Server Experience. ALL LEVELS OF EXPERIENCE CONSIDERED!!!!!" I laughed so hard I shat myself.