And it begins...

Every so often when you're searching for a new job, you find one or two companies that seem a little shady. You know if you submit an application, you're going to get an interview; and if you get an interview, you're going to get hired; and if you get hired, you're going to kill yourself in 3 months.

Most of us know what kind of red flags to look for when a job will really truly suck. I was not so informed.

When I was making the move from stocking shelves to professional programming, I started searching for entry-level programming positions. I happened across an ad for a small startup saying something along the lines of: "URGENT HELP NEEDED! Looking for 2 VB.Net Programmers With SQL Server Experience. ALL LEVELS OF EXPERIENCE CONSIDERED!!!!!"

Now, one of the red flags in any help wanted ad is the word "URGENT" in all caps. Another one is where the ratio of exclamation points to sentences exceeds a threshold of 1.75:1. But still, I decided I'd learn what this company was all about if it needed programmers so urgently; apparently they write ASP.Net content-management software used all over the world. Sounds fun, right? I applied at this job, and was asked to come into an interview a week later. I figure I have a shot because I have 7 years of prior web development of experience, used SQL Server 2000 and 2005 for the better part of 4 years, and have been working with VB.Net since 2003; I think I have the technical skill to fill an "ANY LEVEL OF EXPERIENCE CONSIDERED" position.

The Interviewees from Lala Land

When I get to the building, I'm directed to a waiting room. There are two other guys there who have applied for the same position. One of the guys is a grizzled, older-type fella; the other was a young guy, early 20s, and very sharply dressed -- wearing what appeared to be a tuxedo, actually.

I really hate sitting in quiet rooms with other people, so I make small talk with these guys. I ask the older guy about his programming experience, and he makes a comment that he last worked on an old COBOL system sometime in 1987; afterward, he was a mechanic, but was laid off; and presently he works in a factory assembly line screwing plastic caps on bottles of shampoo. Sweet mother of Christ, what a sad story. What kind of mistakes in your life do you have to make to slide from software developer, to mechanic, to screwing caps on bottles for a living? One thing's for sure: this guy is no threat to me; he has no relevant work experience.

Tuxedo guy introduces himself as a college student at one of the nearby universities, and I make a comment that he is remarkably well-spoken for a college student. He replies that he was a national champion in a public speaking / forensics competition (it certainly shows). I start talking to him about programming, and then I notice he's looking at me with the most idiotic dog-faced expression I've ever seen in my life. I decided to test Tuxedo guys technical knowledge:

Do you at least know SQL?
"Nope."

Are you familiar with object oriented programming? For example, do you know what a class is?
"Nope."

Have you ever heard of the word 'boolean'? Do you know what variables are?
"I think so, its kinda like Java, right?"

Fuck me sideways! Somehow I managed to keep myself from falling on the floor laughing. Tuxedo guy was beyond clueless. Utterly, appallingly braindead.

The interview gods were clearly smiling upon me: on the one hand, I have Shampoo Lid whose 20-year outdated expertise is overshadowed by his career as a professional screw capper, and Tuxedo guy who can't tell the difference between a fast fourier transformation and a bifunctor catamorphism on a monoidal category.

The Interview

After a few minutes of chit-chat, I man asks all three of us in the waiting room to join him in an office for the group interview.

Group interview? I've heard of these things. These are the kinds of interviews where an interviewer asks a question like "why are you better than the guy to the left of you" and you have to try topping the answers of everyone around you. I've NEVER heard of anything good coming out of these interviews, and I consider them to be deeply unprofessional. Normally, I would just say "sorry, I'm not going to play any games during this interview" and walk out, but given my opponents Shampoo Lid and Tuxedo guy, I figured there's no point passing up an interview that I will definitely "win".

In the interviewing room, there are two other interviewers. Apparently, all three of us were going to interviewed by these three judges. Weird. I've never seen or heard of this before.

Everyone sits down and the judges ask Shampoo Lid the basic interview questions: "where do you see yourself in 5 years", "what can you contribute to the company", "why did you leave your last job", etc. Altogether, this question/answer session lasts about 10 minutes. It was a very mundane, even boring interview.

I'm next. The judges pull out a copy of my resume. They make a comment that some parts of it were not very clear --- and to a certain extent, they were right. I'd never written a resume or applied for a technical position before, so it was probably not the best resume ever written. They ask me an odd question: "what do you mean when you say you have experience writing software for end-users". The judges basically read a sentence from my resume and asked to explain it... I'm not really sure what they need explaining, it says I have experience writing end-user software, what else can I say? The judges prod me for an answer, so I explain to them that there is all different kinds of software, such as end-user software, middleware, system software, and all of these different tiers of software require different skills to pull off effectively. Applications like Notepad vs SQL Server vs ethernet drivers vs system kernal represent software in each different tier, and my specialization is writing applications that your average computer user interacts with on an everyday basis. I thought I gave a decent answer, at least one that shows off my technical knowlege.

The judges precede to the next sentence in my resume and ask me to explain it. And then they asked me to explain the next sentence. And the next one. They read my resume out loud word for word and asked me to explain every sentence. Seriously, they asked me "what does 'O'-'O'-'P' mean here?" It was pathetic. My "interview", consisting of the judges regurgitating every line of my resume back at me, lasted 6 minutes. 7 tops. It was embarrassing and pathetic.

The judges talk to Tuxedo guy last. They start by commenting on how well he was dressed, and Tuxedo guy makes a comment about wearing the same outfit that he wore when he won his speech competition. He goes off on a tangent about how, after he won, he earned a scholarship to help pay for a missionary trip to Africa. He talks about how he's known his girlfriend since elementary school, how much he likes bathing dogs, and just all sorts of irrelevant anecdotes. Not a single moment of his 40 minute interview did he say anything about writing code.

After everyone interview, the judges leave the room for a few minutes. They come back and thank Shampoo Lid and I for our time; however, they say to Tuxedo Guy, "we think you'll fit in really well here, and we'd like to make you an offer". I was absolutely furious, I swear to god I was ready to start cracking skulls and breaking bodies. The interview was an embarrassing, mocking waste of my time.

Job Hunting Again

Back to the job search. I noticed the ad at the software company I interviewed for that day had been updated to say "Looking for 1 VB.Net Programmers With SQL Server Experience". Eventually, the ad disappeared altogether.

It took about a month, but I was fortunate enough to apply for a different job and get an interview, which went extremely well. This interview was extremely technical in nature, consisting of questions like "heres a database schema, now write a query to get this set of data", instead of bullshit throwaway questions like "where do you see yourself in 5 years". I nailed the interview and got the job.

Now, I normally heed the advice, "as soon as you find a job, start looking for a new one" just a safety net; I don't plan on getting fired from my jobs, but it helps to know who's hiring and whats in demand just in case.

So, as I'm paging through job listings, I come across a help eerily familiar help wanted ad from the same small startup company who royally fucked up interview 4 weeks prior: "URGENT HELP NEEDED! Looking for 2 VB.Net Programmers With SQL Server Experience. ALL LEVELS OF EXPERIENCE CONSIDERED!!!!!" I laughed so hard I shat myself.

Yesterday's post Jesus Who was so full of awesome and win, I decided to give it another go:

Jesus was a demon: I have talked to jesus. I was baptised catholic. Spoke with the angels in the cathedrals, they taught me how to pray. Then I found out jesus was a demon. He's a very big one, a warden in the prison that contains the demons. And if you want the life of comfort, then bow down to him, worship him and swear to abort and exclude other demons, and he will give you pleasure and comfort. But stand up and fight him, and he fights just like a demon.

Jesus never existed: For most of my life, I had taken it for granted that Jesus, although certainly not a god, was nevertheless an historical personage - perhaps a magician skilled in hypnosis. To be sure, I knew that some of the world's greatest scholars had denied his existence. Nevertheless, I had always more or less supposed that it was improbable that so many stories could have sprung up about someone who had never existed.

Jesus died of a blood clot: An Israeli researcher has challenged the popular belief that Jesus died of blood loss on the cross, saying he probably succumbed to a sometimes fatal disorder now associated with long-haul air travel.

Professor Benjamin Brenner wrote in The Journal of Thrombosis and Haemostasis that Jesus's death, traditionally believed to have occurred 3-6 hours after crucifixion began, was probably caused by a blood clot that reached his lungs.

Jesus wants to eat your soul: Does God love you? Of course not.

God hates you; but God is hungry and needs you to help Him eat your soul. He chuckles to himself that He cannot only suck out your life and being, but He can make you believe the lie as well. 

 The remaining items are a list of messianic theories collected a few years ago by a poster on the Randi.org forums by the name of Dr Adequate (clicky):

Jesus hates fags and environmentalists, votes Republican: So how would Jesus vote? I believe that Jesus would have issues with some of the liberal stances. I don't think Jesus would under any circumstances tell any woman, "It's OK to have an abortion this time." I don't think Jesus would agree with homosexuals having any rights simply due to the fact that they choose to be homosexual. Lastly, I'm pretty sure Jesus would want prayer in school, and His commandments in every courtroom.

So to answer your question, I believe Jesus would vote Republican. And I believe His response to your global warming fear would be, "Don't worry, I am in control and I don't need to rely on you to 'save the planet.'"

Jesus supports public prayer, whatever he may have said in the gospels to the contrary (dead link):  I am sure Jesus would vote Republican because he would is against abortion, supporting people who refused to support themselves, he is into investing wisely, public prayer, and standing up for the 10 commandments.

Jesus is against public healthcare because it's a blasphemous interference with god's plan. Private health care isn't, for some reason (dead link):  Jesus did not come to earth to offer free medical care. He used healing as a way to prove His Godliness to those He wanted to so that people would be drawn to Him as Lord and Savoir. He also fed the hungry for the same reason... As to health care entitlement, where do you see that in the Bible? It is not there. The Bible is full of stories of suffering and death, as the natural consequence of our sinfullness. If along the way you are able to ease your suffering or cure your illness due to God's gift of medicine to our world, that is fine, but no where does the Bible state that it is available to all nor that life should be extended beyond God's planned timing, because of our lack of faith in the gifts of heaven that await us after we leave this earth.

Jesus likes small government : Jesus was all about 'less' government (Church) in man's life...That's not very 'democrat', is it?

Jesus supports a flat rate income tax, hates "demon scum rats": Would Jesus steal? Ask others to covet what "the rich" have? Would he condone murder of innocent children in partial birth abominations? Would he put up government as a god to be worshipped? How many of the 10 commandments can a democrat break before rolling out of bed?

Governments are supposed to be subject to God. Blessed is the nation whose god is the Lord. The king is supposed to hand write a personal copy fo the Bible for his his personal use - to keep it fresh in his mind. . He is not supposed to screw around with every intern and rape women. He is not supposed... ok enough already... The govt is supposed to get by on a flat 20%.... but don't let facts or truth get in the way of these demon scum rats.

That's everything I can find on Jesus. I am still looking for:

Jesus was from Michigan

Jesus was a Jiffy Lube employee

Jesus was a Klingon (although this is close)

Jesus was a bitch (a lover, a child, a mother, a sinner, a saint...)

Jesus was an embryo

Who was Jesus? Lord and savior of the world? That's only half the story...

Jesus was gay: Some commentators argue from silence. They note that there is no passage in the Christian Scriptures (New Testament) that directly describes anything about Jesus' sexuality. There are many direct and indirect references to Jesus' sensuality. He was accused of being a "drunkard and a glutton" and of partying with "prostitutes and sinners." He apparently enjoyed a tender foot massage from a woman. Yet, neither Jesus' sexuality nor his celibacy is mentioned. Yet, sex is referred to, elsewhere in the Bible, quite often. One might argue that the books in the Christian Scriptures might have once described Jesus' sexual relationships, but that these passages have been vigorously censored by the later church because they were unconventional.

Jesus was a Buddhist: Jesus had expounded his doctrine of patience, non-violence and compassion which was seemingly an opposite view to that of the God according to the Old Testament. Jesus preached and asked his followers to turn the other cheek when somebody slapped you, whist an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth in the Mosaic Law clearly denoted retaliation and vengeance which were regarded as justice.

Jesus was black: And lastly, by making Christ Black, it identified him with oppressed Black folks. For in all of religious history Christ had always sided with the poor, the downtrodden and disenfranchised. His ministry was one of liberation. Since Blacks have been on the receiving end of white racism, it stands to reason that Christ, not only identified with their plight but became their image and likeness.
There is sound reason to believe that Jesus Christ was Black.

Jesus was a democrat: I have also heard that President Bush now has political currency. He has a strong majority that has a clear mandate. Supporters of the President have demanded religion over rhetoric. These opinions made me think, “What would Jesus do?” I am not a biblical scholar so I pulled out a Bible. I couldn’t believe what I found! Jesus was a democrat!

Jesus was a woman: A publisher is touting a new edition of the Gospels that identifies Christ as a woman named Judith Christ of Nazareth.

LBI Institute says its version, Judith Christ of Nazareth, The Gospels of the Bible, Corrected to Reflect that Christ Was a Woman, Extracted from Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, takes Thomas Jefferson's edited Gospel one step futher by "correcting" the gender of Christ and God.

Jesus was a witch: If Jesus were here today, he would be a witch! No single one of these reasons prove the Witchiness of Jesus; but taken as a whole, they make for a compelling case.

Jesus was a white nationalist: God hates therefore I hate. God only cares about the Adamic white race therefore I only care for the Adamic white race, bastard.

Jesus was a Hindu: Christianity has changed in the past three hundred years and is still in a state of flux. You must realize that Jesus Christ did not write the Bible, which was written a couple of centuries after the death of Jesus. Old Testament was opposed by Jesus and yet the Christians accepted it. In my opinion Jesus was a Hindu saint who was persecuted in the land of his birth. His followers made some compromises with the ruling classes and built a religion. The renaissance brought Christianity closer to Hinduism as I understand it. Please download my article "Hinduism - A global Religion of the Modern World" to read more about it.

Jesus was an anti-Semite: Since Jesus called the Jews of his day liars, vipers, sons of Satan, etc., you should also consider Jesus antisemitic. Consequently, you should immediately cease and desist trying to claim Jesus was Jewish. Jesus was not a Jew; Jesus was an antisemite.

Jesus was Hitler (spoof): Jesus is an evil, anti-Semitic coward. Just look at how fake he is. He claims to be the son of "God", and that he stands for good will towards men, but what he doesn't want you to know is that he is God's diabolical prodigal son. He spends all of his spare time killing Jews and punching babies. He tricked us all into believing that he was the "messiah", and that him being crucified was merely a sacrifice to absolve mankind for all of their sins. When in reality he was crucified by the Jews as a result of years of showboating and being a straight up dick.

Jesus first developed his severe hatred of Jews when he submitted a dreidel with a swastika painted on one of the four sides. The idea was rejected by the Jewish community because they thought the symbol was "stupid" and this hurt Jesus's feelings. The swastika was later used by Jesus as Hitler and is now known as a symbol of hatred toward Jews.

Jesus was an alcoholic: Kissing the nape of my neck,
I can smell the whiskey on his beard.
Jesus was an alcoholic.

Jesus was Emmanuel Swedenborg: Contrary to popular belief, The Last Judgment, as foretold in the book of Revelation, occurred in the year 1757, and under the auspices of Emanuel Swedenborg, a gifted scientist, theologian—and, mystic. All of which has been thoroughly detailed in his work, The Apocalypse Revealed, a verse for verse account to the book of Revelation.

Therefore when the Bible speaks of Christ's second coming, it's actually referring to Emanuel Swedenborg and his work—as Swedenborg claims. And, while it may sound farfetched, it's all there. Much in the way Emanuel is another name for Jesus and means, "God with us" Matthew 1:23  with its familiar ring to John the Baptist: who wasn't really Elija (Elias), yet this was who he signified.

Jesus was a cool cat: Jesus Christ was a cool cat
I say the things that’ll make you think
so think about that
Break out your sandals and grow your hairs long
Live in a civilization where whores belong
... helping the poor get on
... healing the sores’ on
all those engrossed by that leprosy.
Your problem’s with all them that lack verity:
He wasn’t talkin’ about no heresy!

For once, I'm actually satisified with the quality of a video I published on youtube:

As most people know, I've been a vegan and animal rights activist for 4 or 5 years now. I'm even a card-carrying member of PETA.

The video above is a little crude, and certainly not a comprehensive account of my own moral philosophy (if you've ever followed the debates I've participated in over the past couple of years, you'll notice the amount of material I've written on the topic could fill a Stephen King novel), but its at least a pre-emptive reply to people who believe that species is a moral characteristic or believe that evolution is a moral theory.

This is me in 2006:

2007:

2008:

And this is who I hope to be someday in the future: